Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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