highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels