so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
