And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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