Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i dont even know how to be here
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
