So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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