if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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