you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
