no, he came in my armpit
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
well you can't waste a boner
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
