How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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