I just made out with a guy for $7.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Terrible idea I love it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
