I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
