Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
