I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
