i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
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He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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