Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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