I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
