She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
