this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
