New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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