My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
