I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
