OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just cropdusted the office
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
