i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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