I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
