Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
