Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
