Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
