Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
