..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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