Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
