I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
