There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
