I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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