Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
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we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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