I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
