Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
