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The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
