i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
