Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
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Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
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She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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