Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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