im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
