Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
