no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
