he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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