You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
