I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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