Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
