our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
