Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
