There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
