My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
