This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
