It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
