I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
