no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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