dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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