turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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