I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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